Job Hunting Sucks

Job hunting. I hate it. No better day to do it than Monday, I guess. A job application and a trip to the past, all in one outing.


I haven't forgotten my past, but there are parts I don't want to repeat. On the job application it asks: Have you ever been arrested?


My answer: How many times? And then specific crimes and dates were wanted; that's where I turned into squirmin' vermin. I think the total number of arrests from 1989-1993 was 5 or 6. Mostly alcohol-related. I never wanted to go thru the torture of reading my file at the Clerk of Court's office to know exactly.


Two arrests within three months in 1993 brought me to the turning point. A DUI, that is, drunk driving, colloquially; and two months later, public intoxication. I looked at myself in the mirror after the public intox arrest and asked: "Is this who you are? Is this the person you want to be?"


No. That is not who I was or wanted to be.


Drunk, I was violent and destructive, things that I abhorred when I was sober. Mouthy as I am, add alcohol... intellect coupled with anger and alcohol, I was more than abusive verbally.


I made the decision the day I looked in the mirror. I was just so tired of fighting life; it took too much energy to be angry all the time. When I got arrested, it took too much money to pay the fines, fees, lawyers, and court costs. Money that was needed to support my children and family.
I couldn't continue to use alcohol, but I couldn't imagine living without it.


At the time of the two arrests in 1993 I was on probation. Anyone familiar with crime/law knows that crimes committed while a person is on probation are treated more harshly. The maximum penalties are used becuz that person is obviously unrepentant and fucking stupid.


I had the good fortune to be involved with an entity called Center for Creative Justice here in Story County, Iowa. Good fortune, also, to have a woman named Bobbie Carlson actually give a shit about me. She was more of a counselor to me than a functionary of law enforcement. That was what I needed, apparently. Now, 14 years later, I am one of her success stories.

I went to substance abuse treatment. I hated it. And I lied to them. Then I would go to Bobbie Carlson and tell her the truth. As long as there was truth, it could be done. One of the reasons I stay sober is becuz I never want to go to treatment again.


I got what I could out of it. I did learn some stuff about substance abuse and alcoholism that I probably wouldn't have learned anywhere else. Went to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with other clients of the treatment program and did not participate.


Alcoholics Anonymous scares a lot of people with its talk of God. Some people get around that by having a Higher Power. If you are not comfortable with those concepts, I say, stick up for yourself. Be honest, becuz AA stresses personal honesty, and deal with it when you're ready. Go to meetings, tho, and get what you can from them. Maybe you'll find a God, maybe you won't; but there are solutions to be had for many of the problems of alcoholism and addiction. I wasn't the first alcoholic to attend AA meetings, I'm sure I won't be the last. Nobody goes to AA becuz they want to...


Some people are able to quit using alcohol/drugs all on their own. Never go to treatment, never go to Alcoholics Anonymous. Perhaps those people have a bit more strength than I do. Kudos to those who succeed at quitting on their own; I wish I could have been one of them. But where I'm at isn't so bad.

Except for the job hunting.